who, unfortunately, can’t dispatch them as easily as he destroyed the last mummy.Ī. But Bellingham didn’t give Andy the real scroll, and the story ends with Dead Susan and Dead Wyatt coming for Andy. Bellingham does, and Andy lets him go because, presumably, he can’t kill him and it’s not like the cops will believe any of this anyway. Actually, he really just ties Bellingham up and threatens to torture him unless Bellingham gives up his Magic Resurrection Spell. However, Andy (Christian Slater) knows what Bellingham has done, and since he was Wyatt’s best friend and Susan’s brother, he takes revenge on Bellingham. Understandably pissed about this, he purchases a mummy to take revenge on Wyatt and Susan (Robert Klein and Julianne Moore), the yuppy students who framed him. In “Lot 249,” Bellingham (Steve Buscemi) is cheated out of a fellowship and framed for theft.
We might as well take this story by story. Blondie the Witch then slips on the marbles - I mean, seriously, why not a fucking banana peel - and manages to impale herself on some form of kitchen utensil, so that Young Timmy can easily push her into her own oven.Ĥ. Blondie the Witch is not so stupid as to have forgotten how she stole a kid that morning, but she apparently is stupid enough to continue walking forward after he pulls a bunch of marbles out of his pocket, drops them on the floor, and then tells her about it. He starts telling her “the best story,” which of course is his story.
#BLASPHEMOUS ENDINGS FREE#
Young Timmy gets free by narrating his own escape.
Yes, I don’t remember every fairy tale I read as a child in exquisite detail, either, but she acts like she’s never heard any of them. Young Timmy is distracting Blondie the Witch by reading stories out of her own book. Badly stitching “Hansel & Gretel” and One Thousand & One Nights together with some cheesy dialogue and Blondie does not qualify as doing something interesting. Also, it probably shouldn’t suck monkeyballs.įor instance, if you’re going to rip off pay homage to a fairy tale, you should be prepared to do something interesting with that fairy tale. Anyway, so after watching both V/H/S and Tales from the Darkside: The Movie, I have come up with a hypothesis: for an anthology film to be successful, the narrative story can’t be the weakest in the bunch. I am multi-faceted, people! I won’t be put in a box and LABELLED!ģ. I can like quality horror films, shitty horror films, and cheesy teenage romantic dramadies from the 90’s all at the same time. And for those of you snickering right now, the hell with you. Also, he grew up to be Jack on Boy Meets World, and I will always have a little space in my heart for anyone from Boy Meets World. To be fair to Deborah Harry, though, Little Matthew Lawrence isn’t exactly Oscar material, either.īut he’s teeny, and I expect a little less from child actors.
#BLASPHEMOUS ENDINGS MOVIE#
Either way, she’s clearly who this movie wanted to cast.Ģ. She could be late 80’s Michelle Pfeiffer ala The Witches of Eastwick or she could be mid-2000’s Michelle Pfeiffer ala Stardust. If this movie was being remade, I’d cast Michelle Pfeiffer in a hot second. But as an actress? Deborah Harry is not so awesome. Or, anyway, that I love “One Way or Another,” as all people should because it’s an awesome song. Let’s begin by noting that I am a Blondie fan. To delay being thrown into an oven and promptly eaten, a boy (Matthew Lawrence) reads three short scary stories to the witch (Deborah Harry) who’s holding him captive.ġ. It definitely seemed like a good candidate for Bloody Hearts, but when I realized that it was also an anthology film, just like V/H/S, it seemed like destiny. The one that really called to me, though, the one that just begged to be watched, was Tales From the Darkside: The Movie, mostly because of this cast: Steve Buscemi, Julianne Moore, Christian Slater, Rae Dawn Chong, James Remar, and Deborah Harry. A while ago, my friend Rob got his hands on a huge stack of absolutely terrible horror movies and, knowing our passion for such films, sent the entire collection to my sister and I because Rob is, quite truly, the best.
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